The Voice

	VietNam The Apples In Stereo Yep Roc Records

• Energy (CD track 4)
• Same Old Drag (CD track 5)
• Sunndal Song (CD track 7)

Note to self: don't buy any more records by bands with fruits in their name. It's been almost five years since The Apples In Stereo released a studio album. They're going to have to wait for at least another decade to release something new because it's going to take a while to forget about the laughable attempt at 60's rock that is New Magnetic Wonder.

The opener is called "Can You Feel It?" Chances are, no one can.

For anyone who makes it through the first track, here's a summary of the glorious trash that follows:

"Skyway" has the makings of a decent indie jam but is ruined by an excessively cheesy chorus.

Hold hands across the world, we're all made of "Energy." Everyone is special! You and you and you! Michael Jackson already proved that songs like this suck, and even though "Energy" is sort of catchy, we don't need feel-good, hand-clappin' pop to drench our spirits in sap.

"Same Old Drag" pumps a wah-wah guitar into a heavy piano. The poetry is very Belle And Sebastian and the vocals are very Hot Hot Heat. The song's about taking medication, a "things kind of suck but let's groove anyway" kind of deal. It's perfect for the Mario Kart soundtrack and not much else.

"Sunndal Song" bites more Belle And Sebastian songwriting in addition to style as it implements a female vocalist. She sings of reassuring, I'll-take-the-helm-don't-you-worry-about-a-thing companionship. It seems kind of weird coming from a girl, but hey, she sounds like a nice lady, and this cut would never get off the ground with a male singer.

"Play Tough" is a very Beatles-y breakup song with predictable minor falls and inspirational major lifts. The singer observes the dangerous possibilities of a Saturday with very awkward lyrics.

"Sun Is Out" uses a Game Boy intro and sounds like a B-side nursery rhyme. Please, guys, save the demo tracks for the Internet leaks.

These crazy Apples love their random, "artsy" transition tracks, many of which are just a few seconds long. It seems the space has to get filled somehow, so there's "Non-Pythagorean Composition 1." Main instruments: a telephone dial-tone and a keyboard. Apparently the band has discovered the magical synthesizer, hence the "new magnetic wonder" of the album title.

"Hello Lola" is a pointless voice box greeting. Having a computer speak words isn't music, is it, Stephen Hawking?

"7 Stars" employs sappy poetry, but at least it rhymes. It's a good thing that the chorus is unintelligible, 'cause the tune is okay, but the whiny lyrics only serve to bring it down; shove the "silver stars" up your ass, please. This song is like a spaceship ride to Planet Wuss, where the aliens sing in harmony with the shiny-uniformed explorers.

The lyrics get even dumber on "Sunday Sounds." Maybe the Apples are all about feeling good, but they make me feel like smacking them.

"Open Eyes." Doo doo ba doo ooh, we love Oasis. "You know you're not alone," they say. Well I'm guessing that The Apples In Stereo are alone as the only members of their own fan club. It's just boring, and layering fifty instruments isn't going to keep anyone's attention. Much too derivative of Moby, who's not even great enough to imitate. So why try? This track's grandiose piano and symphony are a cheap rip-off of a Secret Machines song but without the necessary ingredient of balls. Advice for next album: the longest song should be in the top three best tracks, or save it for the end and fade it out really slow.

"Pre-crimson" is just too much. Enough with the filler. Nobody, nobody will listen to these tracks by themselves, ever. It's great that you have twenty-four tracks, too bad a quarter of them are failed experiments.

The dialog during production must have been something like this:

Producer: "Well, we've got one song that could get airplay, so let's try to make an album around it. Let's say… 24 tracks."

Apples In Stereo: "How are we going to record 24 tracks?"

Producer: "Here's a keyboard. Just punch some keys and name it something pretentiously mathematic. It only has to be thirty seconds long. Do like seven of them."

"Radiation" expands on the "energy" motif. Is all the world connected and radiant? Please, Apples, tell us how we should love each other. "Radiation, information, concentration, fluctuation"- awesome rhymes. "Get back to the place that you can believe in?" Come on, are you really that lame? It sounds like a 1950's UFO is hovering around, sqeuaking and blinking lights. Please E.T., take these weirdos back to whatever place it is that they believe in. "Distraction, reaction..." Think you could come up something that rhymes with "idiotic?"

The next song is split into two parts: "Beautiful Machine Parts 1-2" and "Beautiful Machine Parts 3-4." Why? Making two tracks out of one doesn't make it any less boring.

The following number is titled "My Pretend," and is presumably about an imaginary friend. It's probably the only one they've got, so hopefully their psychoses are well-developed.

Then all of a sudden there's "Non-Pythagorean Composition 3." God knows how many of these retarded synth blips these guys have recorded that didn't make it onto the album. Maybe these math tracks mean something, but they offer nothing at face value.

Do musicians really write lines like "Turn up your stereo" and "Feel the magic"? Please. It would be better for everyone if The Apples In Stereo recorded in mono, at a very low volume.

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